You're A Fixation
by smc-27
Summary: Chuck/Serena Oneshot. "The love impulse in man frequently reveals itself in terms of conflict." There are some things that are very difficult to explain, and eventually, they both stop questioning it.


**A/N: **Took a break from basking in my love of Nate/Serena to write a little Chuck/Serena. Because I pretty much love them in any capacity. And as Ria says, they've just got a cool Cruel Intentions vibe going on...

Set early season 2. I've changed some things.

**----**

Their parents are married and her best friend is in love with him.

And she might be in love with his best friend. But who knows about all that?

But Dan and Serena are over, really over, and Nate and Blair are circling towards third time's a charm, and Chuck's spiraling a little bit. Serena thinks she might like to go along for the ride. She can understand it. She knows what it's like to lose someone you love. And even as she thinks it, she's not sure if she's thinking about Dan or Nate or both.

She's sitting on Chuck's bed one evening when he walks in, and he eyes her, because he's Chuck and that's what he does when he sees legs and short skirts and cleavage and beauty. He doesn't say anything, merely goes about his business, dropping his wallet, phone and keys onto the table by his door.

"S, always a pleasure," he says after a moment. "I knew moving in would pay off eventually."

She rolls her eyes, but he doesn't see. "We're going out."

"We are?" he asks. He turns to her, his eyebrow raised, and she nods emphatically. "It's a school night."

"And I want a martini," she says decisively.

"Don't you have homework?"

She looks at him blankly and blinks several times. "Did Chuck Bass just ask me that question?" He laughs softly and shakes his head, like it's exhausting to be talking to her. Sometimes it is. "Come on. Just one drink."

"Did Serena van der Woodsen just make that statement?" he asks, his tone mocking.

She laughs, loops her arm through his, and he manages to grab his wallet before she drags him out the door. She holds her finger to her lips as they slip past Bart's study, and winks at him dramatically when she opens the door quietly. He sighs, tries not to appear amused by her antics, but he can't help it.

She rubs off on him. Always has, just a little bit. She smiles and giggles and she's all blonde hair and craziness, and there's a lightness about her that he kind of envies. Despite all she's been through, she still lets loose and laughs and says_ I love this song! _when they step into the elevator and the boring elevator (literally) music plays softly through the speakers. He calls her crazy and she sticks her tongue out. Sometimes she acts like a complete child.

But she's also happier than most people he knows, too. At least most of the time.

"It's so cold!" she cries, almost giddily, as they step onto the street into the fall chill.

"You're barely dressed," he remarks, looking her up and down. (Again.) "Perhaps if you were wearing a little more material."

"Perhaps you should worry more about your plaid coat than my short skirt," she says, plucking the wool of his jacket between her fingers.

"I happen to like this jacket."

"Well at least _someone_ does," she mumbles laughingly.

"Why are we still walking? We have a car at our disposal," he says, looking around the street and down to the sidewalk, as if walking is far too common for them. "And are you planning to insult me all night, because..."

"We're walking because there's an amazing bar a block and a half from here, and _you_ started the insultingness with your..._insult_."

"Dear, I'm fairly certain _insultingness_ is not a word."

"Note to Chuck: Stop correcting Serena," she says, shoving him gently. He laughs a little bit and she links her arm through his again.

She pulls him into a bar he'd never, ever go in if she wasn't making him, and his hand hovers at the small of her back when he notices every man in the place leering at her as they walk in. She smiles at the bartender as she sits down at the bar and peels her jacket off, and without a word, Chuck takes it from her and hangs it up with his own. When he returns, there's a scotch on the rocks on the bar and she's waiting for him to sit down before taking a sip of her martini. He won't complain about the speed of the service, that's for sure. Serena holds up her glass and waits for him to raise his. He kinks his brow expectantly, waiting to hear whatever it is she's going to toast to.

"I can't think of anything," she says, giggling in a way that makes him roll his eyes despite his smile.

"How about, to my coat and your..._skirt_," he says. It's a generous term. She nods and clinks her glass against his before taking a drink.

"I like this skirt."

He shakes his head, eyes the men in the room who are all captivated by her already. "I think everyone likes that skirt."

Their one drink turns into three, and by that point, she's talking about Dan and Chuck listens as though he might actually care. She doesn't know if he does, but she knows it means something that he's even trying to make her think so. She finds herself smiling when he refers to Dan as _Humphrey_. She's not over Dan. She doesn't know when she will be. But she knows she will be. She tells Chuck that and he takes a drink, and she knows he's trying to hide the smile on his face, and she nudges his thigh with her knee. He knows what that means. She's seen him but she knows him well enough to not make a huge deal of that smile.

On their fourth drink, he gathers the courage to ask how Blair is. Serena tilts her head, looks at him with sympathy but doesn't mention it, and goes on to tell him all the superficial things she's sure he already knows and doesn't care about.

But she says, "she's really good, Chuck," and he lets out a little breath and nods. That's all he really needs to know.

----

"Serena, darling, _what_ is taking so long?" Lily asks, calling up the stairs for the third time.

"I'm coming, mom, I'm just...running late," Serena calls back. She runs down the stairs with her tie between her teeth, her bag in one hand as she zips her skirt with the other.

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Lily sighs dramatically. Chuck walks down the stairs calmly. He's also clearly late, but he's put together well, ready to walk out the door, and Serena's a mess. "Charles, would you mind taking Serena with you? It seems she's...out of sorts."

Serena and Chuck share a look that says, _'thank God she doesn't know we're hungover,' _and she slips her tie over her head, not bothering to tighten the knot.

It's not that they've made it a habit to go out on school nights, but they've done it a few times. Notably when Blair and Nate made their reunion official and again when Dan and Vanessa were rumored to be hooking up (it was false, but Serena drank anyway). Then last night, Serena had finished her essay for english and Chuck was around, so she insisted they celebrate and he didn't argue.

"My pleasure," he says cordially. He pulls his jacket, that plaid one, over his arms as Serena wiggles comically into hers, and he's forgotten Lily is still there until she speaks again.

"Your father is expected home early tonight, so we're all having dinner together," she says. "_Please_ be home at a reasonable hour. Preferably in time to change before we sit to eat."

"Of course," Chuck says at the same time Serena answers, "Yeah. Fine. Whatever, mom."

Lily sighs into her coffee cup and retreats back to the breakfast table after telling the kids to at least grab something to eat in the car on the way to school. Serena can't even think about eating anything, and Chuck has never been a breakfast person, so they just slip into the elevator after calling out their goodbyes. Serena lays her head on Chuck's shoulder and he shrugs a little, but she doesn't move.

"So _tired_," she breathes out. "Why did you make me go out?"

"I did make you do anything. In fact, I'm almost positive it was the other way around." She groans and he chuckles. He can handle his alcohol better than she can. "You had better fix yourself up, or people will surely know what you've been up to."

She pulls away from him then because she knows that 'people' is Blair, even if he didn't say the name. Come to think of it, he never really says the name. Serena wonders if he'll ever get over Blair. She wants him to, if for no other reason than it's not healthy to hang on, and she doesn't want to see him miserable. He does a good job of pretending he's not, but she can see through it, even if she never brings it up.

"I don't want to go to school today," Serena whines petulantly as she swipes on some lip gloss and then runs her hands through her hair. He kinks his brow and looks at her, and she knows that face. He's got some idea. "What?"

"We don't have to."

She smiles and turns to face him. "Chuck, we have midterms coming up. We can't just skip."

"If you insist. But at 11:00 when your head is pounding, don't text me and complain," he says as they step off the elevator.

They're barely in the car when their phones are buzzing, and as she slouches, stretching her long legs out on the bench seat (much to his chagrin) she reaches for her phone and he does the same.

_'Spotted: S & C leaving late for school. Perhaps Chuck's coat momentarily blinded them? I know it did me!'_

There's a photo of the two of them, Chuck letting her walk out of their building before him, and she's turned towards him (saying, _'...And I don't complain!'_). He's smiling just a little in a way that is just so him, and she's a blur of blonde hair and plaid skirt. It's actually kind of a cool picture.

"Great," she mumbles.

Chuck just tucks his phone back into his pocket. She can tell something's bothering him, but she doesn't ask, because she knows he won't tell if she does. So the ride quietly for a few minutes, and she texts Blair to say she's on her way, and as they're driving down 5th Ave, closer and closer to school, Chuck turns to her.

"This jacket is Zegna _couture_. It's not even in stores," he says. He states it like the fact it is, not defensively, just telling her because he wants to tell someone. She doesn't say anything, just smiles at him and he straightens his tie as the car comes to a stop.

Serena climbs out, and immediately everyone within eyesight is tittering and gossiping, and Serena rolls her eyes. Chuck gets out behind her, whispers something about the girls at her school needing lives of their own, and she laughs because she can't argue. She hears the click of camera-phones going off, but she's never really cared before, and she can't start now or she'll go crazy.

She spots Blair across the courtyard with Nate at her side just as the first bell rings. Chuck starts towards the boys' wing, and Serena steps towards the girls', and she sees Nate lean down to kiss Blair's perfectly glossed lips.

"Chuck," Serena calls, rushing back over to him. He looks confused, but she leans forward, her chest pressing against his just the slightest bit and her hand on his upper arm. "_I_ like your coat," she whispers in his ear.

He can only laugh.

----

The rumors start before the feelings do.

Any time they're seen together, which, granted, is more and more often, they're picture ends up on Gossip Girl with some ridiculous and generally untrue commentary. They went for flu shots and the speculation over the reason for their doctor's visit lasted three days (the rumors varied from VD to pregnancy to to HIV tests). Their family attended a benefit, and the 20 minutes they were without Erik, it was said they were gazing at one another and talking about leaving the party. In reality, Chuck was complaining about the label of scotch being served and Serena was talking about how utterly boring the whole thing was. If there was any gazing it was because her dress was low-cut and Chuck is a male.

"Honestly?" she cries, walking into his bedroom with her laptop in her hands. "It'd be nice if we could do _anything_ without having sex!"

He looks at her in amusement, just waiting for her to realize what she's said. She sighs and sits down next to him, her hip brushing his. "What now?"

"There's a whole website devoted to us!" she says, pointing to the screen.

He looks at the photo of the two of them that's set as the background. She's standing next to him, her hand on his chest, laughing at something or another, and his bowtie has been photoshopped to match the fabric of her dress. He knows it's been photoshopped, because he remembers the occasion, and the tie was orange and her dress was blue, and he'd done it specifically so they _wouldn't_ match.

"This is Gossip Girl," he says dismissively, going back to his newspaper after seeing that familiar header at the top of the web page.

"A _whole page_ for _us_," Serena argues. He shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee. "They're calling us Sebastian and Katherine!"

"Who?" he asks. He's not even mildly interested. If they had, in fact, had a whole site devoted to them, he may have paid more mind.

"Cruel Intentions?"

"Do they sleep together?" he asks roguishly. He realizes then that she's wearing one of his St. Jude's uniform shirts over a black tank top, the yellow shirt belted at the waist and somehow fitting her wonderfully and a perfect compliment to the jeans she has on. "You're wearing my shirt."

"We are _not_ sleeping together," she says firmly.

"My shirt, Serena," he says. He doesn't know why, but he wants it back. He's got several more exactly like it, but now it's going to smell like her perfume and her skin, and her belt is surely wrinkling it. It'll need to be laundered.

And she looks really, really sexy, and he doesn't need that distraction.

She stands, sets her computer down, and undoes the belt at her waist. She unbuttons the shirt, and he has to take a breath. It's like a forbidden kind of striptease, and he knows she has no idea how gorgeous that is. He's never denied she's attractive, no one does, but something about her standing in his room taking her (his) shirt off is making him think things he hasn't thought about her in years.

She drops the shirt in his lap, grabs her laptop and walks out of the room, and he watches her retreating form, slim waist, long legs, gorgeous hips, then he stands and throws the shirt in with his dry cleaning before he has a chance to breathe in her scent off the fabric.

----

She and Blair are sitting on the Met steps, eating yoghurt and huddled together, knees and shoulders touching to keep warm in the chill. Serena has listened to Blair blather on about Nate and how she can't wait for her father's visit over Thanksgiving and how wonderful it'll be for her whole family (Nate included, she's sure to add) to be together. Serena smiles at all the right times and interjects with a _that's great_ or an_ it'll be so good to see your dad_.

But as it turns out, listening to Blair talk about _NateandBlair_ at 17 is no easier than it was at 14 or 15 or 16. Or ever, really.

"What's going on with you and Chuck?" Blair asks assertively, like she's entitled to have an answer and she'll get one no matter what.

"Nothing," Serena says with a laugh.

"That's not what everyone thinks."

Serena shrugs her shoulder and takes a bite of yoghurt. "Everyone can think what they want. We live in the same place, so it's not exactly weird for us to be seen together."

"You're together _all the time_, Serena," Blair argues. She's right and they both know it.

"You and Nate are together all the time!"

"Nate is _my_ _boyfriend_!" She says it like he's her possession, just the way she's always said it. There's a little bite in her tone, like she's reminding Serena of the fact.

"What I mean is that you and Nate are together all the time. That means Chuck and I are left...alone," Serena explains. She thinks she's never said anything so true. And it spans almost all of their adolescent lives. She and Chuck could party and meet all the people in the world, but they were still alone.

"It _looks_ like there's something going on," Blair says stubbornly.

Serena laughs bitterly and shakes her head as she moves away a little bit. "And why do you care, Blair?" she asks. It's that unspoken thing that they're not supposed to touch upon.

"I _don't_," Blair spits out.

Serena gets up and smoothes out her jacket. "You can lie to yourself all you want, B, but you can't lie to me."

"Serena!" Blair shouts as Serena starts walking away.

"Forget it!" She turns and eyes Blair, now standing. "B, if you're not over Chuck, you shouldn't be with Nate."

Blair is taken aback momentarily, then plasters on a patronizing smile and hooks her bag over her arm. "Why? So _you_ can be with Nate?"

"You know what? I'm not talking to you about this," Serena claims.

"Maybe we just shouldn't talk at all!" Blair calls out. Serena starts to leave and merely raises her hand in an angst-filled wave.

As she walks through the cold back to her place, Serena thinks that of all the things she and Blair ever fought over, Nate was the only thing that really mattered. Until she realizes that they're not fighting over Nate this time, not so much. They're fighting over Chuck.

She's stepping off the elevator when she realizes it's a fight she wants to win. That's when the tears come.

She and Blair fight often enough for Serena to know that they'll sort it out. But she also knows that if she 'wins' Chuck (she hates even the thought of treating someone like property) that Blair will be forever at least a little angry.

Chuck hears her come in and promptly checks the time. She left just a little under an hour ago, and she and Blair usually spend far more time than that...doing whatever it is they do when they spend their Saturdays together. The fact that Serena is slamming things around in her room is further proof that something happened, and he says it's just the nosy part of him that wants to know what it is.

It's not concern, he just wants to be firmly implanted in everyone's business all the time. (He doesn't even thing he believes it.)

"S."

She ignores him as she pulls items from her closet, dropping some on the floor and kicking her shoes off and into a pile. He stands in her doorway, never one to really need an invitation in, but not wanting to upset her more. That in itself is a sign that he's going soft. At least around her.

"Serena," he tries again, more firmly.

"What?!" she shouts, turning towards him, throwing her hands up. "Why are you standing there?"

"I didn't want to assume..."

"Whatever," she mumbles, reaching for a tee shirt. It's a St. Jude's Lax shirt. Nate's shirt. "Blair and I had a fight."

He hangs his head so she won't see him smile. "Of course you did," he mumbles.

"What?"

"Nothing. What's the issue this time?" he asks as delicately as he can.

She pulls off her sweater and drops it on the floor, and she's left standing there in just a yellow bra, somehow looking like a July day in the middle of November. He tries not to stare, but...please. She stuffs her arms through the tee shirt and pulls it over her head, then flops down on the bed dramatically.

"You," she answers honestly. She figures that if Blair won't be honest with him, at least someone can be. "She thinks we're sleeping together. Like everyone else does."

"You know, you say that like it's a horrible thing," he says. He's standing over her a little bit, his knees touching the edge of her bed. Then he sees the redness of her eyes (he was too distracted to notice before) and sits down next to her. "I assure that if we were, you wouldn't be crying. Well, not from pain," he adds, smirking wolfishly.

"Oh my God, Chuck," she says in frustration. But he sees a hint of a smile on her lips. Then she gets serious. "I may or may not have told her that she shouldn't be with Nate."

Chuck's eyebrows fly up. "What?" He knows Blair. She would not take kindly to that.

"She was just asking all these questions! About you and me, and...I said that if she's not over you..."

"It's clear that she is," he interrupts. He doesn't know why his heart isn't racing at the implication that she still has feelings for him. He wonders when that stopped happening.

Serena just looks at him, wonders if he really believes it. "She said she doesn't want to talk to me."

"Well to be honest, if I were you, I wouldn't want to talk to her either," he says with as much sincerity as he's capable of. Lately there's been a little more of it around Serena.

"She just doesn't get it, you know?" Serena asks, sitting up so she's facing him. "She's got everything she's ever wanted and I don't. We...you and I don't."

"Speak for yourself," he says confidently. "Money, infamy, parents who can get us into any Ivy we want. People envy us." She rolls her eyes. They both know that's not what she's talking about. "And...family."

He almost whispers it. She almost doesn't hear him, but the way she wraps her arms around him, practically throwing herself against him, lets him know that she has. He doesn't hug her back; his arms don't move.

"Chuck," she says in a dreamy voice.

"Get off," he says sternly. She doesn't budge. "Get off me, _sis_."

She pulls away, laughing at him and a giggle slips out. He feigns annoyance, rolls his eyes. "I won't tell anyone," she whispers, sending him a wink before laying down again. He stands and turns for the door, and she props herself up on her elbows. "Hey. Thanks."

"What are brothers for?" he asks cheekily.

He steps into the hall just as the pillow she throws at him flies out the door.

----

"Chuck!" she shouts. He's in his room and she knows it. She needs advice. He's focused on tying his tie when he walks into the room and sees her in a silk dressing gown. "Which dress?"

She points to two dresses hanging one each on her closet doors. There's one an indigo blue and one flirty yellow number with ruffles and things. The blue one is more her.

"What for?" he asks. He doesn't care, really, just...Okay, he cares. He's taken the role of her protector, though he's sure she doesn't even know that. It's a voluntary role, one that he doesn't even know when he fell into. He's kind of been playing it all along, he supposes, in some way or another.

"This thing tonight. The junior league fundraiser Blair set up," she says distractedly as she looks through accessories.

"Ah. So you and Waldorf smoothed things out?" he asks.

"Of course," she says, smiling when he laughs. They all know those two girls can't live without one another. "Which dress?"

"Blue."

"Yeah?" she asks, pulling the hanger down and holding the garment against her body. She slips into the closet and he sits on her bed. "This event should be fun, actually. She somehow managed to get ?uestlove to DJ!"

"She's Blair Waldorf. She can accomplish anything she wants," he says with confidence and a kind of reverent fondness.

Serena walks back into her room wearing the dress. Sort of. It's not yet zipped. She's got a pair of gold, high heeled booties in her hand and she turns around in front of him. He stands again and zips her dress for her. She's never asked him to do it before, but he's not fazed; it's not the first time he's helped dress a woman before. Just more often than not (okay, always) it's as he's trying to get them to leave. He finds that he'd rather she stay. She slips her feet into her shoes and tries to pick accessories, but he reaches for her hand to stop her.

"What?" she asks.

"No jewelry," he insists.

"How come?" Her brow is furrowed in confusion and his eyes bore into hers, creasing at the outer corners when he smirks.

"You don't need it," he says.

He doesn't say that the dress doesn't need them or it wouldn't suit the event. He's telling her without so many words that she's beautiful without. She smiles and reaches for a gold clutch from her dresser and stuffs a credit card, her keys, and her phone inside. At the last minute, she reaches for a lip gloss, then she smoothes out her dress and takes a step away from him.

"Okay. I'm going," she says. She starts walking away and realizes he's not moving. She's sure he's gone into her room before when she hasn't been around, but she doesn't necessarily want to leave him there. "What now?"

He walks towards her, smirking as he walks past her, and says, "You look stunning," quietly and sultry enough to make her have to take a breath.

She watches him walk down the hall, and she has to remind herself to walk in the other direction.

----

Lily has implemented a mandatory weekly family dinner, and as much as the kids pretend to argue and make excuses, they don't hate the idea. She's chosen Sunday nights, since there are rarely parties or events, and Bart is home. So each Sunday, they wear presentable clothing, gather in the living room for drinks, then have a civilized dinner together before retiring for the night.

Chuck's door is open a crack and when Serena walks by on her way from Erik's room to her own, she sees him standing there wearing only a pair of black dress pants. She doesn't know what he's doing, but his back is to her and he's just kind of frozen in place. She hopes he doesn't feel her staring. She's honestly never noticed before, but he's actually got a really nice body. Not toned from soccer and lacrosse and flawless genetics like Nate's, but nice. Maybe more than nice.

He turns around and he's got his phone in his hand and he's finishing a text or an email or something. He looks up, catches her eyes, and he sees her blushing. He certainly likes having that effect on her.

"How Cruel Intentions of you," he notes. His smirk is firmly in place and his eyes dart to her long legs stemming out beneath her satin shorts.

"Shut up," she mumbles. "Are you getting ready?"

He looks down at himself, so pleased to have obviously thrown her off. "Sort of."

She steps into his room and pushes the door closed the rest of the way. He finds himself excited by that. It's not normal. How very Cruel Intentions of him. (She made him watch the movie with her when he told her he'd never seen it.) And he knows it's not just he who's noticed the ever-mounting sexual tension between them. She just ignores it far better than he does.

"I don't see why we have to wear real clothes. It's just dinner _here_," she says. They both know she'd rather wear her shorts and sweatshirts than anything else.

But he's not going to let her get away with saying what she's said.

"Well, I for one would be just fine with you not wearing..."

"Shut up," she repeats, laughing this time. She shoves him with her hand and he holds it in his, his thumb delicately running over her knuckles. "What are you...?"

"I showed you mine. You show me yours," he says. She can tell he's not entirely joking. She also knows that if she pulled her shirt off right now, he wouldn't complain. But she's not going to.

She pulls her hand away and tries not to laugh at him, and when he winks at her, she turns around and walks out of the room before she does something crazy. Because his touch his soft in a way that his words never really are, and if she lets herself stay there with him, she'll just want more of that. And Chuck is not the guy she needs.

She throws on a Herve Leger skirt and a sleeveless shirt, slips her feet into a pair of heels and runs a brush through her hair, but that's the best she does. She walks into the hall just in time to see Chuck and Erik walking towards her. Erik has on a simple mint green button down tucked into a pair of charcoal grey pants. Chuck's ascot somehow matches the burgundy of her skirt, and his white shirt is crisp and clean. Just like her white heels. His pants are black and her shirt is.

They match.

He looks quite amused, Erik makes a joke about it, and Serena rolls her eyes and marches ahead of them towards the living room where there's no doubt a martini waiting for her.

They talk about school and work and events they'll be attending in the days to come. Bart pulls the 'men' aside and they talk about stock portfolios and Serena tries not to laugh when Erik looks at her with a complete _what the hell is he going on about? _expression on his face. Chuck notices too, claps his hand on his step-brother's shoulder and changes the subject, and when no one else is looking, he winks at Serena from across the room. She's trying, really she is, to pay attention to her mother's talk of dresses and shoes and colour schemes and clashing at the Townsend's holiday party in two weeks' time. But she's distracted.

They take their places at the dinner table, Bart and Lily at either end, Erik on one side and Chuck and Serena on the other, as always.

"So, Charles," Lily says, smiling at her step-son. He smiles back. He's actually grown quite fond of the woman. "I haven't seen you with any...girls lately."

"Mom," Serena says, giggling. Chuck's love life is hardly anyone else's concern. Even as she thinks it, she's desperately trying to ignore how badly she wants to hear the answer.

Chuck looks between his father and Lily, and Bart is eyeing Chuck as he cuts into his pork tenderloin. "No, you haven't," Chuck says cordially. "There's a certain amount of...respect for this home. I do not want to tarnish that." Serena looks at him, surprised at his words, and Lily sends him a genuine smile. "And perhaps I've learned a lesson."

"And what lesson is that?" Bart asks, his brow raised.

"Women are...complicated," Chuck says. Bart laughs and Lily looks at him across the table. "I've learned they expect to be treated a certain way."

"They do," Lily concedes. "I wish the men I had dated, before your father, of course, had learned that lesson at your age."

"Better late than never," Bart argues, earning laughs from the table, though the joke isn't funny.

And that's the thing. Serena finds she actually enjoys these dinners, once they get rolling, because her family. It's a strange family, of course it is, but it's her family.

And so when Chuck's hand falls to her thigh where her skirt has ridden up, it takes everything in her not to cry his name and make a scene. She's been fighting this, the...energy between them, and this touch certainly isn't helping. His fingers move over the inside of her thigh and she flexes the muscle, hoping he'll get the message. He doesn't.

"We can't all be so lucky as my father," Chuck says, looking at Lily. "There are only so many van der Woodsen women."

Serena knows he's paying her a compliment of some kind. If it wasn't for the fact that he's _Chuck_ and she's _Serena_, she'd pay it more mind.

"And now you're related to all of them," Erik says.

Lily and Bart chuckle, and Chuck's hand stops moving and eventually leaves Serena's skin, and she takes a long sip of her drink, waiting for the subject to change again. It does, moments later, to Bart's schedule for the week, but Serena doesn't hear any of it, and she's sure Chuck doesn't either. The only reason she even makes it through dessert is because it's a chocolate cheesecake, and they never have chocolate cheesecake, and she loves chocolate cheesecake.

After dinner, she follows Chuck to his room and closes the door behind them. He knows what's coming, of course, but he keeps his back to her anyway.

"What the hell was that?" she hisses. His room is next to Erik's, and she can't risk him hearing this conversation. "What were you doing with your..._hand_. On. My. Leg?"

He turns to her then, takes a step towards her, and she doesn't budge. "S, there's this...thing...between us," he says.

"Mutual tolerance," she says. He laughs, and she smiles. She can't help it. "Chuck, this...whatever it is, even if it's something, it can't happen."

"I know that," he admits. "But I want..."

"It doesn't matter," she says firmly. He knows she's right. "You're my...My mom is married to your dad."

"Say it," he insists. Her eyes meet his, and he knows she's trying to look hard, unmoved by the situation. He admires her for it, actually. "What am I to you?"

"Chuck," she says, her tone pleading. It's just this side of a whine, and she doesn't care. "You're...you're Chuck. Just like you always were."

He knows what it means. He knows it means that she's never wanted him before and she'll at least pretend not to want him now. Because she may be telling him this can't happen, but she's still not a foot away from him, and her clothing still matches his, and he knows how good they look together.

But he won't be a fool and pine over her. Not this girl, and not this time. Their tension is purely physical, and it'll stay that way, and he'll ignore it.

She wants so badly to kiss him, just once, just to get an idea of what he'd feel like, how his lips would taste. But she knows herself well enough to know that it wouldn't stop at just one kiss. So she leaves the room, heads back to her own, and she isn't sure whether she should say it over and over, or rid it from her vocabulary, that word he wanted her to say. _Brother_.

She slips out of her clothes, into an old tee shirt (St. Jude's Lax) and thinks that at least when she was crushing on Nate, she had good reason not to have him. With Chuck, they're related by marriage, but nothing else is in their way. Not even Blair.

----

She's somehow ended up dancing with Dan at the winter formal. Chuck's nowhere to be found (she hates that she misses him, that she's been looking for him), and Nate and Blair are happily wrapped up in one another, and Dan asked her if she wanted to dance, and she couldn't say no. But his hands feel heavy on her hips, and his cologne isn't right. It isn't...Zegna; not the one she helped Chuck pick out a few weeks ago when he was looking for a signature.

But why is she thinking like that?

He's talking about second chances, or third or fourth, he specifies, and he's rambling in a way that she used to find adorable, but she's praying they end the song soon. Surely there's an announcement to make or something so she can avoid having to let him down easy.

Then her mother appears looking distraught, pale as a sheet, and Serena pulls herself away from Dan and walks briskly towards her mother.

The tears are instant for both of them when Lily says the words, "There's been an accident."

She tries Chuck's cell four times on the way to the hospital. The morgue. She's trying to console her mother, the woman sits between Serena and Erik, and she's got one hand on the redial button and the other on her mother's back.

"Chuck, it's me. _Please_ call me back. There's..." Her voice wavers and she bites her lip. "Just call me back. Please."

She waits two minutes, wipes her tears and doles out tissues, desperately trying to be the strong one of the three of them. She dials his number again and she hears the click that indicates he's picked up.

"It's him," he says solemnly. Her heart falls. He's had to identify his father's body because someone got ahold of him before Serena could.

The call ends and Lily's looking at Serena, waiting to hear what was said. Serena can only shake her head, knowing they'll both know what that means. Lily insists the kids go home while she goes to the hospital, and after some arguing, they agree. She wraps her arm around Erik and he holds onto her waist, just like they used to do when they were kids and only really had each other. They're quiet, save for sniffles, as they ride the elevator, and Erik shucks his jacket and lays down on the sofa while Serena looks to see if Chuck's home. She hears a crashing noise coming from down the hall and she rushes towards the sound.

Chuck is in Bart's study, rifling through drawers. There's a glass broken near the far wall and Serena tears up again. She doesn't know what he's looking for, but she knows it's not important right this second.

"Chuck," she whispers. He doesn't hear her or he ignores her. "_Chuck_."

Erik stands behind her in the doorway, and she turns around and notes the worry on his face. She reaches for the doorknob and looks at Erik apologetically before closing the door. She knows he'll understand.

Chuck stands still, his hands flat on the desk and his head hung. The knot of his tie is loosened, and his shirt is untucked. His hair is a mess. She doesn't know what he's been doing for the last hour, but she can safely say that broken glass was full of alcohol at one point. Most people would be intimidated by him, Chuck Bass, showing his emotions. Serena is not.

She walks towards him and he notices the tears in her pretty eyes, her makeup smudged and her hair a little messy.

"My father..." He swallows and tries to harden his features, ever stoic, like a man should be, in his opinion. "Is dead."

"Chuck," she says, simply because it's all she can think of.

She reaches out for him, but he pulls away. She does not relent. She erases the two feet separating them and takes his face in her hands, and their eyes lock for a few moments. She sees the tear fall down his cheek, and his hands come up to rest on hers, and she's sure he'll pull them away from him, push her away from him. But he looks exhausted, and all he can do is press his forehead to hers and close his eyes. Her breath catches in her throat. She's seen a lot of things in her life, but she's never seen this. This is heartbreak. Pure heartbreak.

His body kind of falls against hers, and his arms are at his sides. She pulls him close, one hand on the nape of his neck and one on his back. She feels warm tears fall onto her shoulder, and she says absolutely nothing. He trusts her enough to fall apart in front of her, but she doesn't trust herself enough to say the right words, so they just stand there like that, both crying for a man they hardly knew, but loved all the same.

She runs her hand through his hair in what she thinks is probably a comforting way, and his hands come to rest on her hips, steadying them both when she feels like the grief is so heavy she might fall. If it were the time, she'd think that was nice of him. But it's not conscious. He's not looking our for her. He's being legitimately, unapologetically, understandably selfish by clinging to her like this, and she's thankful that he's letting her help him. At least she thinks she's helping him.

His lips fall to her collarbone, and she doesn't know what he's doing, and she hates that what he's doing feels as good as it does, because nothing should feel good right now. But he nips at the flesh, then smoothes the spot with his tongue and his lips. He moves his mouth to her neck and she bites back a moan and somehow manages not to say his name. When he pulls away and looks at her, his fingers dig into her hips a little bit, and they're both crying.

He kisses her, and she knows he's just trying to make himself feel better.

And she lets him because she needs to feel better too.

----

Serena walks into the dining area in the morning to find Lily sitting between Chuck and Erik, a spread of breakfast untouched in front of them. Chuck is fully dressed, his hair styled and his tie perfect (but black, all black) and he and Lily are talking about funeral arrangements.

He's just as stoic as he always was.

Serena finally got him into his bed at two in the morning, the tears dried on his cheeks and his lips chapped and red. They'd kissed a while. She couldn't stop him, and she didn't really want to. When he pulled away, he led her to the leather sofa in the study, and he let her just hold him. She knew how rare and uncharacteristic that was, but she didn't say anything. Neither of them did.

"Mom," Serena says softly, her voice cracking as she speaks. The three people at the table look up at her, and then Lily stands and makes her way towards her daughter. The two embrace, and Serena sees, over her mother's shoulder, Chuck looking down at the table instead of at her. "How are you?"

"I have had better days," Lily says. Her eyes are red-rimmed. "How are you, darling?" Serena shrugs and tries not to cry again. "Come sit. We're going to have breakfast together."

There doesn't seem to be any staff around, and Serena actually thinks that's fitting. What's left of this family should be alone together, if you ask her. Erik pours her a cup of coffee, and she notices Chuck's still not making eye contact with her. She doesn't know if he's ashamed or something stupid like that, or if he just doesn't know what she'll say about their very strange, poorly-timed makeout.

He addresses her only when necessary, because he doesn't know how to act now. Needless to say, he doesn't exactly enjoy breaking down in front of anyone, let alone someone like Serena, someone who he has some type of feelings for. And he knows he shouldn't, but he does, and he has for a while. He shouldn't have kissed her last night, but he was feeling too many things to have stopped himself if he'd tried. And now she's sitting in front of him in a Gap tee shirt (he has no idea where she got that) and shorts, her hair pulled up in a messy knot. She looks as sad as he feels, and he wonders, for some reason, if this will just be something more they share between them, or if it really is _something_ _more_.

Their phones ring all through breakfast, but no one answers them. They silence their ringers, relying on just the lit up screens to indicate that they're receiving calls. But they don't talk to other people, and they aren't talking to one another. They just eat in silence, and Serena, ever the live-wire, thinks about making conversation at one point, but as soon as she opens her mouth, it seems insensitive to tell any stories that might be funny.

And that thought upsets her so much that she gets up without warning, tears in her eyes, and walks back up the stairs and to her bedroom. Chuck looks at Lily, who's verging on a breakdown, and Erik moves his chair closer to comfort his mother.

"I'll go," Chuck says simply. He sets his napkin on the table and gets up as Lily attempts a smile.

She's laying on her side with her hands tucked up under her chin, the covers pulled up and her back to the door when he walks in. He doesn't know what to say, has no idea, and she doesn't turn towards him or acknowledge him at all, though he knows she must know he's there. He clicks the door closed and makes his way over to her. She sniffles a little bit when he sits down, and he thinks twice before ultimately deciding to place his hand on her upper arm.

"S." She rolls onto her back and wipes her eyes.

"Sorry," she whispers. He looks at her as though she's crazy to apologize. "It was just too quiet."

"Alright." He wants to take her hand, but he doesn't do it. "We should...talk. About last night."

She shakes her head, eyes closed tightly. "It's not the time," she insists. "There's too much going on."

"I kissed you," he says bluntly. The honesty almost startles her. "And you kissed me back."

"You were upset. We both were. It was..."

"That wasn't all it was," he tells her. She shakes her head and he wants to scream at her. She has to know it wasn't just a kiss. They've been dancing towards this for months.

She bites her lip and she knows he's telling the truth. There's no use resisting this anymore, and maybe they were put in the position they were in due to a tragic, horrible event, but come to think of it, maybe when it comes to them, nothing else would have been right. They didn't need some big, poetic_ 'I want you' _declaration, not like everyone else seems to have. They just needed to realize that they can't fight it. She doesn't exactly know what that means, since he's Chuck and he's never even had a real relationship. She also knows now isn't the time to talk about it.

"We'll talk later," he says. He doesn't know what she's thinking, but the fact that she isn't kicking him out speaks volumes. "I've got to get back to helping Lily."

She reaches for his wrist before he gets up, and she presses her lips to his just briefly. "You'll tell me if you need anything?" she asks quietly.

He manages a little smile, then kisses her forehead. "I will."

They both know he won't. But she adores him for saying it anyway.

----

It almost makes her sick that the funeral is more a show of who knew Bart than who's actually affected by his death. She stands between Erik and her mother, with Chuck on the other side of Lily. Their hands are all joined, and all are crying but Chuck. He had his breakdown, now he's being strong. He rests his hand on Lily's back when her breath catches a little bit, and he knows she's trying to keep it together. Serena moves her hand so it's just below his, her thumb brushing against his pinky. If she can't hold his hand, she'll do this. It's not suspect; Nate and Blair standing behind them won't notice a thing.

They've barely spoken, let alone kissed again, in the last three days. He's been busy with Lily, tending to the business. Serena and Erik followed Lily's requests of running errands and helping with funeral arrangements. It wasn't much, and Serena knew it was just to keep them busy, but she was thankful for it. If she'd just been sitting around instead of picking flower arrangements or picking her grandmother up from Grand Central, she would have gone insane.

Everyone goes back to the van der Woodsen/Bass penthouse for a gathering after the funeral, and when she overhears someone make a comment about all that Lily is set to inherit (_'At least she didn't have to divorce this one,' _the woman says) Serena slams her drink down on the table so hard that the glass cracks. She shoots a glare and ignores Blair and Nate's worried looks, then heads down the hall and out of sight. The only room down the hall, save for the bathroom, is Bart's study. She walks in and closes the door before noticing she's not alone.

"Hi," she breathes out, wiping her eyes hastily. She knows she doesn't have to hide it from Chuck, she's just sick of crying.

"Serena," he says sympathetically. He tilts his head to the side and she shakes hers.

"I hate this," she pouts. "I...I really liked him. Loved him, maybe." Her chin quivers and he walks towards her. "She was finally happy with someone who was good for her. For all of us. And...it's not fair."

He guides her to the couch and they sit, and he's not sure what to say, because it's not fair, really, and if he's learned anything in the last three days, it's that the van der Woodsen's are really his family. They loved Bart. But all that doesn't make the fact that Serena's head is resting on his shoulder or her hand is on his thigh any more difficult. He's never been one to follow the rules anyway.

"No, it's not," he says after a few moments.

"Oh God." She pulls away and wipes her cheeks again. "I'm sorry. This is...I'm being insensitive."

"It's fine," he insists.

She slips her hand into his and weaves their fingers together. "Do you remember when my dad left?" she asks quietly.

"Of course."

"Do you remember what you said to me?"

"No," he says, almost laughing. "I'm sure it wasn't what you wanted to hear."

She laughs softy and shakes her head, and he can't help but smile. He kind of likes holding her hand. "Blair said that she'd share her dad," Serena recalls. "Nate was...Nate. He just kind of sat there with his arm around me. And _you_." She turns to him and he's almost sheepish, waiting for her answer. "You told me that sometimes people leave, and you just have to get over it." She laughs again when he winces a little. "But you were right."

"Perhaps," he almost whispers. She rests her hand on his cheek and kisses him softly, in a way like they haven't kissed before. It's sweet and gentle, and she does it because she wants to. Not for comfort, not out of confusion and not to prove a point. She just wants to. "We should go back out."

"I can't," she says, shaking her head fervently. "I can't go and listen to all that."

"Okay." She glances at him and he makes himself comfortable on the sofa, and she relaxes, too, smiling at his insistence that he stay.

They don't leave the room for the rest of the afternoon. Serena and Chuck sit there together on that sofa, both of them dressed in all black. Serena kicks her shoes off and tucks her legs beneath her, pushing herself that much closer to him, and he welcomes it. He finds he likes having her there, cradled against his side with his arm around her. They talk a little, about nothing really, and she manages to make him laugh with a little silliness. She does her impression of a particularly insufferable Upper East Sider, Marian Denby, and Chuck shakes his head, tries not to smile but inevitably can't help it. They stay there until they hear the last person leave and Lily's exhausted sigh of relief.

Lily merely smiles when the two of them walk back into the living room, but Serena doesn't miss Celia's disapproving glance.

She also doesn't care about it.

----

Between Lily grooming him to take over Bass Industries upon graduation, keeping up with his schoolwork, and trying to convince everyone that he's fine (sometimes he isn't, and when he's not, he drinks a glass of scotch and convinces himself to be), Chuck doesn't have a lot of time for anything else.

Serena knows he's busy, knows he's navigating a whole new situation, but it's been three weeks, and she and Chuck haven't talked about anything. He'd said they would, but they haven't. They haven't talked about much at all. They've spent a little time together, mostly when Lily and Erik are out, and they kiss, but they haven't addressed at all the new parameters of their relationship.

"Serena," he says one morning. He walks into her room without knocking to see her standing there in just her bra and underwear. She's got her skirt in her hands, and her white shirt and tie are sitting on the unmade bed. She startles and covers herself with her skirt as best she can, but he smirks anyway.

"Chuck!" she hisses. "What are you doing?"

"Don't be shy, S. I've seen you in less," he says, his eyes lingering on her chest as he speaks. In their younger days, she used to skinny dip in the hot tub in his hotel suite. Her jaw drops and she walks towards him, swatting him with the plaid skirt. He reaches for her, hooks his arm around her waist and pulls her close. "Lovely way to start my day. Really."

"Shut up," she laughs. He leans in to kiss her, and his fingers dip below the waistband of her underwear at her tailbone. "Chuck!"

"Stay home with me today," he says quietly.

"What?" She pulls away from him and steps into her skirt, and she notices that his eyes are fixed everywhere but her face. She puts her hands on her hips and looks incredibly amused when his eyes meet hers again. "Why aren't you going to school?"

"I'm exhausted. Your mother and I were working until midnight on the proposal for the new development. School would be impossible."

"Impossible?"

"Truly," he says with a grin.

"Won't mom ask questions?" she asks.

"She's already gone for the day."

"And Erik?"

"Now, the Serena van der Woodsen I used to know would have jumped at the chance to miss a day of school," he says. She swats at his chest and he pulls her in for another kiss.

"You're right," she says. "So we're just going to stay here and...and what?"

"Whatever we like," he says. He quirks his brow and she looks away as if she's contemplating it.

But there's not much to contemplate. Him, her, an empty apartment and no school? She likes the sound of that.

She shimmies out of her skirt again, and he stands there and watches her, hips swaying as she walks to her closet and comes out wearing a pair of tight fitting yoga pants and a tank top. She pulls her hair into a ponytail and it's then that she notices he's wearing just a pair of black cashmere pants and a plain white tee shirt. Pajamas. Regular ones, by his standards. She brushes the clothes off her bed and quite literally jumps in, pulling the covers over herself while simultaneously motioning for him to join her. He laughs as he walks forward. He pulls back the plush white duvet and climbs in next to her, and it almost startles him, how instantly she's pressed against him, her head on his chest and her arm over his stomach.

She flips through the movie channels and he pretends to be annoyed that she's switching channels every two seconds. She smiles and pitches the remote, leaving the station on Bringing Up Baby, and the volume is low and she wiggles against him, making a show of getting comfortable. And he laughs softly because all the things that used to drive him crazy about her when they were kids are the ones he's come to find most endearing. Especially lately.

Suddenly, there are even more expectations laid upon him, more watchful eyes and media attention, and yet he can lay in bed with her and she doesn't expect him to be any one thing. She's not asking him about work, because she knows all she needs to know, and she knows it's his issue, not hers. Maybe someday that'll change, and when it does he'll let her know, or she'll just understand it, just understand him. And the fact that he's even referencing a _someday_ with a girl is kind of miraculous in itself.

A particular line from the movie breaks through Chuck's thoughts. But it almost compliments his thoughts, too.

_"Now it isn't that I don't like you, Susan, because, after all, in moments of quiet, I'm strangely drawn toward you, but - well, there haven't been any quiet moments." _

He think that just about sums up their entire relationship this past...lifetime. He never disliked her, actually he's always been quite fond of her, but not like this. Obviously, not like this. He finds he likes having her in his quiet, and he likes being with her in her noise.

"You smell like fabric softener," Serena says softly.

"What?" he asks, like it's utterly an ridiculous thing to say.

She runs her hand over the fabric of his shirt and nuzzles a little closer. "You always smell like...cologne or after shave or...something else. You just smell like fabric softener." He doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say. "It's nice."

"So is this," he says, in a rare display of honest emotion. It's not his forte.

"Yeah." She leans up to kiss him, and she smiles (so does he) when his hand sneaks beneath her tank top. "Hey Chuck?"

"Yes, Serena?" he asks, entirely amused by the way she always does that, attempts to get his attention even though she clearly already has it.

"How do you think people are going to react to this?"

"I believe surprise will be the most common sentiment," he says with a laugh.

"Do you care?" She tries to make it sound like she knows the answer, and maybe she does, but there's still a little quality to her voice that tells him that she's skeptical.

"A little bit," he admits. She sits up and looks down at him. "Only about your mother and Erik." She smiles and practically throws herself on top of him. She kisses him hard, then exhales against his skin, and he laughs when he can feel her eyelashes flutter against his cheek. "I take it that was the answer you were looking for?"

She nods mutedly and sits up again, pulls her top over her head and drops it on the floor. And the Chuck she knows so well returns when he smirks and tangles his hands in her hair.

----

As they sit at dinner, Lily and Erik at the table with them, Lily asks why she received calls saying they'd missed school. Chuck pipes in and says that he needed Serena's help with something, and Serena merely smiles the smile that she knows will convince her mother. Lily doesn't quite buy it, but she moves on anyway, talking to Erik about his Latin class. Serena joins the conversation, and she doesn't even flinch when Chuck's hand finds hers beneath the table.

Serena notices the look her mother sends her, and she wonders if maybe she and Chuck aren't quite as discrete as they think they are. But Lily doesn't comment, and Serena looks away, and she thinks that when the time comes to have that conversation, she might not really have anything to worry about.

_**-Fin-**_


End file.
